New Monument Is A Bonanza For Tourists

The Lorne Greene Monument at Queens University.

The people of Kingston have finally completed building the national monument honoring the patriachal celebrity and respected Canadian idol, despite fourteen years of labour disputes, a shortage of Canadian limestone, and endless bickering over design.

The guidance and leadership Lorne Greene gave to Canadian actors aspiring to succeed in the United States is symbolized by its form as an Inca pyramid, with Lorne Greene's head perched majestically on top.

A Canadian Never Forgets

Canadians greet each other with a handshake every time they meet.

DOWNTOWN CANADA (thetoque.com)-- The boom-town country of Canada, stretching 9306 kilometres long, 4634 km wide, and a few kilometers deep, is home to 34 million people. And with the exception of a few landed immigrants, a couple dozen refugees, and a handful of not-so-permanent residents, they all know each other.

This boastful claim of memory retention isn't due to the fact that Canadians are naturally nosy people. While that is partially true, the consistently harsh Northern climate has created certain social necessities. It means that during the next raging blizzard, you might need to ask for an ice-saw or sled dog, and it's easier to borrow from friends than strangers. And when your snowmobile needs a jumpstart, it's comforting to know that the next person who sees you on the side of the snow-covered highway is an acquaintance.

Oh Right, and Switzerland Has Nuclear Weapons

Arabian Sea (SatireWire.com) — Canadian television reported Friday that a Canadian warship in the Arabian Sea had seized a tanker suspected of smuggling oil from Iraq, leading many to suspect that the report was a hoax.

The Halifax Class frigate Vancouver. Honest.

"You're kidding, right? Canada has a warship?" asked U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Like for war?

"Does Canada know?" he added.

"Nobody was more stunned than we were," said Kali Omari, first mate of the seized vessel. "We saw this frigate steaming toward us, and we were worried, but then we saw the maple leaf on the flag, and we thought, 'Oh, Canadians. What the hell do they want?'"

When an officer of the HMCS Vancouver announced that the tanker was about to be boarded, the crew of the detained ship was confused, said Omari, but their confusion quickly turned to anger when they saw what the Canadians sailors were carrying.

"They were armed. With guns," said Omari. "Canadians. With guns. And a warship. What is this world coming to?"

full article on Satire Wire

Hey, I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader.

I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber or own a dog sled.

I watch TV too much. I buy what beer ads tell me to even though the microbrews taste better and don't give me gunky headaches.

I am Canadian.

William Shatner To Be Minted Like No Man Has Been Minted Before

Canada's new five dollar coin features world-famous Canadian actor William Shatner.

THE ROYAL CANADIAN MINT-- Canada is ready to phase-in the country's first five-dollar circulation coin. Gaining approval and royal ascent for the proclamation authorizing the issue and prescribing the composition, dimensions, and design of the new coin has been a long trek, but with Canada's continuing mission to reduce the amount of paper money in circulation, a five-dollar coin was the next step. To coin a phrase, "It was only logical."

The new 9.2-gram Canadian coin features an effigy of William Shatner, national hero and star of film and television.

The Ministry of Public Works and Government Services has been committed to replacing paper money with coins. Millions of dollars in printing costs will be saved with the five-dollar coin, although the initial minting of $600 million worth of coins is expected to be snatched up by collectors at warp speed.